Cutup

Cutup: (n) a prankster or show-off.

 This simple, humble author lands somewhere between a prankster and a showoff.

My brain has just always thought with a twist of funny.

Usually, this is just fine—unless I’m at a funeral or around people who think the measure of the human race is in the quality of the frown.

But I do know there is a great danger with humor.

Having spoken to many audiences over the years, I have learned that the worst thing you can promote is that you are a comedian.

Matter of fact, I have insisted that the sponsors who have brought me in to perform never, ever place the words “funny, humorous” or especially “side-splitting laughter” in my promo.

Once people are aware that you’re trying to make them laugh—attempting to be tonight’s official cutup—they will do everything in their power to analyze what you’re saying and convince themselves that you’re not clever at all. For I will tell you:

Humor must surprise.

It must come from the least-expected place and land in a region of dullness.

That’s when it’s at its best.

I have offered eulogies and recited an embarrassing incident the deceased performed in my presence, and the room was enlightened with hilarity and a deep sense of gratitude at escaping the doldrums.

No, you can’t advertise yourself as a cutup.

If you do, your hearers will unconsciously cut you up–and put your words, expressions and punchlines under a microscope.

We laugh best when we laugh astonished.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cutting Edge

Cutting Edge: (n) at the forefront or lead

I am guilty of taking my brain on field trips to boring conversations with people who try to turn very old ideas into new concepts.

Or worse, they take something proven to be ineffective and merely rename it.

My brain gets very upset.

My emotions threaten to abandon in protest.

And during the process, my spirit slithers over into a corner and goes to sleep.

I don’t want to hear the phrase “cutting edge” until we’re actually willing to do something that cuts away the unnecessary, the unrighteous and the unworthy from our human paradox.

After all, you can’t have a cutting edge without some severing.

So what should we cut ourselves off from?

Here’s one:

The more highly we think of ourselves, the more elevated our consciousness will become. (Actually, we just become lofty assholes.)

I must give you a second:

Loving people is often impossible. (We adore this assertion—because then we can determine how quickly “impossible” arrives on the scene.)

And finally, a third:

Discovering our cultural differences helps us appreciate our diversity. (Actually, the more we talk about things being different for one another, the less unity we create.)

There is only one cutting edge: Love your neighbor as yourself.

So let us stop making so many goddamn excuses for why it won’t work.

 

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cutter

Cutter: (n) a person who repeatedly inflicts self-injury by cutting the skin, as to cope with negative emotions.

Her mother told me that Denise was “a cutter.”

Mother asked me if I knew what that meant. I did.

But it didn’t deter her from continuing to explain—vividly—the numerous times that knife went to flesh, carving out a hideous landscape of despair.

She tried to explain the diagnosis and the opinions the psychiatrist had for the source of the grief felt by Denice.

I listened. Well, no. I actually didn’t.

I was polite.

The reason I didn’t give much heed to the conversation was that I have learned a valuable lesson:

The power of “I don’t.”

  • I don’t know what I’m doing.
  • I don’t understand, even though I’ve been educated.
  • I don’t have the power to save people.
  • I don’t have sure-fire solutions to motivate change.

I don’t know what to do to stop a lovely young girl from defacing the beauty of her earthly canvas.

She likes to cut herself. She says it relieves tension and guilt.

It gives her a sense of temporary redemption from the screaming demons in her soul.

I don’t have the cosmic energy to take this damaged child of God and lift her out of her anguish.

What I have is “I do.”

I do have the possibility of screwing her up even further.

So I sat down and talked to her for about five minutes—mainly about myself. She even seemed somewhat interested. She was perplexed—because I’m sure she thought I was just another “healer” who had come to try to rescue her from herself.

I wasn’t.

You see, I do care. But I don’t have miracles.

I do love Denice as my fellow-traveler. But I don’t have magical potions or mysterious words to break the spell.

Sometimes it’s just good to know how limited we are so we can avoid the need to prove a point, and instead, emotionally embrace those who are hurting and hope—yes, hope—that some of the virtue of affection transfuses.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cutlet

Cutlet: (n) a slice of meat, especially of veal, for broiling or frying.

One of the more shocking aspects of life is when you escape your childhood home and begin to mingle with the pilgrims on the way to the Promised Land, discovering that all the things you heard in your house did not translate into the lives of other beings.

For instance, my mother used to say, “Don’t freeze your typooker.”

As a child, I assumed there were typookers from sea to shining sea.

But the first time I spoke it aloud in front of friends, post-high-school graduation, they laughed voraciously, and hee-hawed even more when I became defensive. No one had heard of typooker (though one girl thought it was something naughty.)

So I was surprised when I realized that the pressed-together hamburger/ground round patties I was familiar with as a child were universally referred to as “cutlets.”

During my growing up years, we called them “cube steaks.”

I don’t know whether this was wishful thinking in the minds of my impoverished parents—musing that referring to them as steak translated them during dinner time—or if they had run across a cult of “cubers,” which they immediately  joined, touting fake steak.

But it was embarrassing.

I was on a date with a girl and asked the waiter if they had some sort of cube steak. He looked at me, much more bewildered than necessary, and humiliatingly asked, “Could you draw a picture of it?”

My date for the evening, instantaneously sure she would never go out with me again, mercifully stepped in and said:

“I think you’re talking about a cutlet.”

Prideful and unwilling to sacrifice the turf, I responded, “No. I’m talking about cube steaks.”

At an impasse, the waiter suggested the beef stew (if I had ever heard of beef or stew). I was bruised.

Language is so powerful, yet so personal.

And it is so easy to convince ourselves that the words in our mouths are much more sacred than those lodged deep in the throats of our brothers and sisters.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cutlery

Cutlery: (n) utensils for eating, esp. knives, forks, and spoons

I have much experience at making an ass of myself.

In deference to this article, I will rephrase:

My derriere is often exposed.

Throughout my life, in an attempt to appear more educated, prominent or opulent, I have used certain phrases in front of certain people I thought would certainly require the best of the King’s English.

I have gone so far as to seek out more sophisticated terminology in both dictionary and thesaurus, anticipating the arrival of some individual I deemed my superior. (Even the young woman who works with me now and takes my dictation, when she first arrived—since she was a classical musician—I felt the need to bone up on my knowledge of the Old Masters who composed the symphonies which are now the relics of orchestras across the world.)

Now, I have garnered that this process is not only foolish, but futile.

Eventually I always popped off with some little piece of verbiage which was so obscure that the target I hoped to impress would turn to me in frustration and say, “What is it you’re trying to say?”

To which I would reply, “I was merely inquiring what kind of cutlery you desired for the evening repast…”

Bewildered, the guest would stare and say something like:

“You mean fork, knife and spoon?”

Embarrassed, I had to acknowledge that this was exactly what I meant.

I quickly discovered that even if people are used to working in high-minded climates with qualified technicians, when they escape that environment, they like to leave the King’s English with the King.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cuticle

Cuticle (n) the epidermis that surrounds the edges of the fingernail or toenail.

Being healthy is a good thing.

There’s nothing particularly insightful in that statement. But may I follow with this thought?

Being worried about your health is the Suck Master of Life.

This is why I am careful not to watch too many shows on Discovery Channel or programs about bizarre medical procedures—because in no time at all, I am perfectly capable of sprouting some of the symptoms, with actual visual evidence.

I’m not normally paranoid but am willing to be flexible.

In other words, I can go pretty nuts wondering if I’m nuts.

I can get a queasy stomach just thinking about indigestion.

And I can sprout a headache at the mere mention of a brain tumor.

Yet, knowing this about myself, I accidentally watched a program on the danger signs of disease that can be found in our cuticles and fingernails.

  • What happens when they’re yellow?
  • Should we run to the doctor if they’re brittle?
  • Do white spots on your nails mean you have a calcium deficiency?

After all, human beings and other primates are the only animals who have nails.

Watching this particular documentary, I learned that men’s nails grow faster than women’s. Worse, the nail on one finger grow at a different speed than another. (It’s a little unnerving to realize that even my fingernails are competitive with each other.)

It was reassuring to learn that typing is good for your nails—except that I don’t do typing anymore. I have someone who takes my dictation and achieves the job in one-tenth the time.

Water is very helpful for healthy nails, and cuticles are there because they protect the tips of our fingers from infection.

One of the things that made me giggle was that they had a two-minute expose about the danger of cutting your nails in the dark.

Yet, when it was all said and done—and I calmed down my internal gag reflex—I realized one thing:

My nails probably won’t kill me.

And, as Kelly Clarkson once said, what doesn’t kill you helps you open packages.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cutie-Pie

Cutie-pie: (n) darling; sweetheart; sweetie (often used as a term of endearment).

Here are some of my simple requests:

Have a bedroom.

In other words, if you’re madly in love with someone, don’t make out in front of everybody—groping and breathlessly moaning. Take the time to purchase, procure, sublet or acquire a bedroom. Thank you very much.

Secondly:

Once in that bedroom, please lock the door.

I don’t want to stumble upon you. I don’t want to accidentally think that it’s a good time for me to take a shower and discover you in various Kama Sutra poses. Please, buy a solid lock and use it to protect the children, me, yourselves and even the dog.

And finally, I would like you to be courteous when you’re in the midst of your Amazonian ritual:

Turn on some background music to cover up the sounds of sexual lingo.

I know that under the control of “sex dust” humans are capable of cooing almost anything:

“Babe”

“Bay”

“Sweetie”

“Lover”

“Precious”

And of course:

“Cutie-pie”

These expressions may be meaningful to you in the midst of your gauntlet but to those standing outside or walking by, they produce gut-wrenching nausea.

Let us review

  • Bedroom
  • Locked door
  • Music to cover the “sweet’ums” that fall from your lips in the pursuit of the wow factor.

 

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cute as a Button

Cute as a button: (adj) daintily attractive

I shall not take much time sharing my feelings about the phrase “cute as a button.”

I’m trying to imagine a time in our history when a button would have been considered cute.

I looked at buttons in my closet, and there was more commonality than attractiveness.

Is that the message? That once you reach the level of being a button—no matter how you got there or what you actually look like—simply by being a button and having gone through an appropriate struggle to achieve it, you are deemed cute?

Or maybe, back in an age when pulling corn, beans and wheat out of the ground was considered a miraculous, admirable feat, buttons might have been much more alluring.

Nowadays, if someone said something was “cute as a button,” a whole room of younger humans would roll their eyes.

How often do we use buttons?

  • Velcro
  • Zippers
  • T-shirts
  • Snaps

Could buttons be a dying breed?

And by becoming rare, are they cuter?

There is some charm in lowering the standard on what is cute. I’m still not sure if I could be included in the “button crowd,” but if we could change it over time to “cute as a fastener,” I might have a chance.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cute

Cute: (adj) attractive, appealing and delightful

There are many foolish things a man can do—like trying to shave while driving down the highway.

But perhaps chief among the ridiculous is espousing a great understanding of women.

I’m not saying they’re mysterious.

But women do not always share a lingo with men when it comes to certain subjects.

I’m talking about sexuality.

I dare say that most women don’t use the word “sexy” unless they’re referring to their boyfriend or husband. Men, on the other hand, award the word “sexy” like certificates of participation at a third-grade class assembly.

Women are much more diverse. For instance:

“He’s nice.”

A kind comment—but also carries the heavier realization of, “I will never sleep with him.”

“He’s funny.”

This is a positive comment from a woman, but if she begins to believe that you’re ONLY funny, how could she ever get serious?

“He’s hard-working.”

Something she admires, but to her detriment, doesn’t always pursue.

But “he’s sexy,” in the female kingdom, is usually reserved for her romantic partner or—oh, yes—some Hollywood star.

So what word will tell you that a woman could consider you viable—not just a friend?

“He’s cute.”

Believe it or not, it’s the same word she might have used when she was in high school. But it opens a door in her brain which allows you, as a man, to become more than a chum to watch Netflix with on a Tuesday night.

In the realm of the female, I think you can pretty well take it to the bank:

“Cute” is a general nod of affection and a quiet proclamation of possibilities.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cut-to-the-Chase

Cut to the chase: (slang) come to the point

A sly smile crept across his face, like a caterpillar on a chilly morning.

He was so sure of himself.

Having asked me the question, “What is it you need from me?” I began to explain my goals. I wasn’t even two sentences in when he interrupted curtly and said, “Could you cut to the chase?”

He felt so mature—deeming himself adult and communicating that his time was so valuable that he couldn’t allot any extra moments for me to offer finer details of my dreams.

He waited for me to be offended. I was offended.

But at the same time, I didn’t want to cast my pearls of promise in front of his pig-like certainty.

So rather than cut to the chase—taking something sacred to me and turning it into a Fruit of the Loom’s brief—I bowed my head and quietly walked away without saying a word.

He called after me, trying to apologize, saying that he “didn’t realize I was so sensitive.”

Perhaps a day will come when we no longer believe that acting brutish and uncaring is a sign of maturity.

Can we allow others the opportunity to open their hearts?

Or must we dominate and forbid them the dignity for their vision?

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C