Cub Scouts

Cub Scout: (n) a member of the junior division (ages 8–10) of the Boy Scouts.

 

It was supposed to be a weekend trip to see if I liked it.

“It” referring to an outing with the Cub Scouts.

I was nine years old but much larger than the other boys. Actually, I was much larger than my dad. So when I asked to sign up for the troop, there was a hesitation I had not seen when the other boys expressed curiosity.

Here is what they told me:

  1. We’re not so sure you’ll like it.
  2. There’s a lot of walking and hiking.
  3. The tents are small.

And:

  1. We checked. They don’t have a Cub Scout uniform in your size.

Much to the chagrin of the Scout leader, his wife offered to sew me one, so that I could be part of the troop. After he gave her a sour look, we proceeded on to plan a trial excursion, where I would join the Cub Scouts—uniformless—for a weekend, to see if it was (pardon the expression) a good fit.

Even though I was young, I realized quickly that the leader was so reluctant to have me join his little conclave of Cubbies that he found it difficult to converse with me, and was a bit bitter when he attempted to answer questions.

I tried my hardest—and when that was not good enough, I tried my damndest.

I thought I had some moments where I sort of resembled one of the guys doing guy things out beneath the pines.

But I was slower in the walking.

I was stuffed into a tent instead of placed there.

And it was obvious that for me, bending and crawling were not fluid endeavors.

At the end of the weekend I decided to drop my application. It was obvious to me—and probably the other dudes—that our leader was relieved and thankful to return to fearless.

I will never know whether I quit because of the strain or because I felt unwanted.

Unwanted is more than a feeling.

It’s a sentence—a punishment.

And if you’re a young, fat boy, it can be a demand to eat more, to escape the condemnation of having eaten too much.

 

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

 

Crêpe

Crêpe: (n) a thin, light delicate pancake

 Sitting here, pausing, mulling the idea and the essence of the crepe, it occurred to me that many of the transitions and outstanding moments in my life have been marked by the discovery and pursuit of some new food.

Maybe that’s why I’m overweight.

I’ve lived such a full life at the banquet table of experience.

I remember when I was about six years old and I ate pickle-pimento lunchmeat for the first time. It was so good. I liked it when it was sliced thin. I liked it when the butcher made it chunkier.

I liked pickle-pimento loaf so much that I asked for it on my twelfth birthday.

On that day, and throughout that night, I personally ate an entire pound of the stuff.

I never developed a dislike for it—just allowed it to graduate on to my next epiphany of treats.

There was a season when I discovered Chinese food. Having graduated from high school, I found myself driving my old car to downtown Columbus—that being the one in the state of Ohio—and walking around, taking in some theater, and visiting (and eventually frequenting) a little Chinese walk-in restaurant called La Toy.

I had never eaten such fare during my growing up years. I quickly developed a favorite. It was listed as Number 3 on the menu: Fried rice, Egg Foo Yung and Chicken Chow Mein.

So whether I was shopping, looking for a chance to play in a rock and roll band, trying to figure out how to flirt with a girl or going to the state theater to see the Broadway cast of Godspell, I always ended up afterwards at La Toy, munching my jaws on my favored three.

Then a few years later, when I was traveling on the road trying to scratch out a living (but actually not caring one way or the other if the electric company got their payment) I stopped in with a couple of friends at the International House of Pancakes, and posed the question:

What is a crêpe?

It was explained to me, and on a whim, I ordered some, with strawberries on top.

Crêpes are the best of pancakes. They aren’t so heavy and flour-filled. They also are the best of eggs because you don’t have to decide if you like the yolks or not. I became fond of crêpes and frequented I-Hop so often that I nearly went bankrupt from my less-than-wealthy purse.

But to this day, if I come upon a crêpe, I will order it.

Matter of fact, some day in the future, arriving in heaven, sitting before me at the Banquet Table of Life, will be pickle-pimento loaf, Number 3 from La Toy and a platter of crêpes.

 

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

 

 

Crystal Meth

Crystal meth: (Slang) methamphetamine in powder or crystalline form.

Everything that’s not a vitamin, mineral or nutrient seems to take the same journey of acceptance or rejection in our social structure.

You would think that over the years we would learn to change the format, but for some reason, it works as follows:

  1. Drug is discovered
  2. Drug is experimented with by individuals
  3. Drug is abused
  4. Drug creates addiction
  5. Rehabilitation is necessary
  6. Drug is banned or severely restricted
  7. Drug is considered for medical purposes

Now, does anyone else see a flaw in this process? Because whether you’re a deist or an atheist, you can still accept the fact that the Earth has a certain guarantee of being self-contained. In other words, the problems that abide normally have solutions on this planet if we will research and find the conclusions.

There is no mysterious cure for cancer waiting for us on the Planet Mars.

It’s here—we just haven’t found it yet. But one of the reasons we haven’t found it is that we continue to accept the word “recreational” and the word “drug” to be linked.

We are so obsessed with our own pleasure that we don’t take care of our pain.

Aside from being ridiculous, it ends up being dangerous.

Crystal meth is one of those procedures—a chemical reaction which has been revealed, and may, in the future, prove to be a healing agent, but in the interim, like morphine drugs, is being used to hurt people instead of heal them.

What would happen if we took everything the Earth has to offer and investigated how it could improve our health instead of wondering whether two hits of it will make us sufficiently loopy?

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

https://jonathanrichardcring.substack.com/

Crystal Ball

Crystal ball: (n) a method or means of predicting the future.

Take a walk with me.

You don’t even have to leave your chair.

Let us consider it a mental exercise—a stretching of our reason.

Just answer me a few questions:

  1. Do human beings have free will?

By the way, it’s kind of a yes or no question. If you answered no, you probably don’t need to go any further on this little thoughtful jaunt. I will just assume that you respect free will.

  1. Are human beings unpredictable?

Even though we think we gain insight on the character and reactions of others, our closest friends can still surprise us from time to time by turning left when we’re accustomed to their “right ways.”

  1. Since humans have free will, we cannot guarantee what choices, decisions or options they pursue. Do you agree?

I certainly do.

I think the worst thing I do in my life is when I try to second guess people who haven’t really invited me to guess in the first place.

  1. Taking all this into consideration, is it possible that people, life, institutions and circumstances can surprise us?

I know it’s a foolish query. Of course they can.

So final question:

  1. Since we don’t know what people are going to do and we don’t know what’s going to happen, how can the future even exist—except as a hazy space of possibility awaiting our whim?

How about that?

So since there is no future until free-will creatures live it out, how could a crystal ball define what that’s going to be when the unpredictability is just downright unpredictable?

So if you want to find identify a hoax or confirm that something is completely out of whack, feel free to run away from all souls who think they can tell you the future.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

https://jonathanrichardcring.substack.com/

Crystal

Crystal: (n) a clear, transparent mineral or glass resembling ice.

 “I want to make this crystal-clear.”

Have you heard this statement?

Every time someone speaks these words, I consider crystal.

Crystal is not a pane of glass which you can see through clearly to the other side.

It appears to be. It seems to be pure.

But when you look through crystal there are distortions.

Things are just a little twisted.

The light bends through, creating contorted images.

Yet it’s very easy to insist to those around us that this “crystal vision” is an accurate representation of what we are viewing.

We have become too successful in our society at hiding evil behind a crystal lens, which has been cut, trimmed and placed in a position to convey the image we wish to portray instead of what is real.

It’s like a pair of glasses–every pair works for only one person.

The lenses have been cut, sized and measured for the eyesight of that individual. When we wear the spectacles of another traveler, our vision is clouded and sometimes even makes our heads spin.

What we really want to do is work on our eyesight and purify it.

Make sure the light of our body is our eye and it’s like a pane of glass.

So even if we decide to wear a pair of glasses for fashion, all we need to do is put glass in them, without messing with the adjustment.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

https://jonathanrichardcring.substack.com/

Crypto

Crypto: (adj) secret or hidden, as in “a crypto Nazi.”

 What a cool word.

Of course, I’ll never be able to use it. If I applied it in an everyday situation, people would say, “What do you mean by that?”

Then I’d find myself in that state of trying to explain something, defending myself on why I decided to use it. No thanks.

But for the sake of this article, I will tell you that I do believe in Jesus, but I am a crypto Christian.

No one could be more reluctant than I am to admit to being a part of such a disorganized organization, and unloving ministry of love.

I guess I’m a crypto male, too.

I just don’t buy into all the myths about the human penis, domination, superiority and winning the dame by flattering the hell out of her.

Some people might consider me a crypto American because I don’t join a political party. I learned a long time ago to never go to a party that doesn’t serve refreshments.

In some ways I’m a crypto writer. It doesn’t mean I can’t write. It means that I find the snotty, bratty people who edit and publish to be restricting—kind of like that suit I bought when I was twenty-five, which I really liked but was two sizes too small so I never got a chance to button it.

But I will never admit to being a crypto human.

Religion wants to make humans faltering sinners. Secularists want to make them individualistic gods.

I know what it means to be a human.

It means discovering your weaknesses but working through them to discover your strengths.

 

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

https://jonathanrichardcring.substack.com/

Cryptic

Cryptic: (adj) mysterious in meaning; puzzling; ambiguous

Some examples of cryptic thoughts.

It certainly was fortunate that there were ignorant black people in Africa so that American slavery could prosper.

President Trump would be a fabulous leader if he knew where he was going.

It is ironic that the Jews would consider it anti-Semitic to be blamed for the crucifixion of Jesus, even though their Council cast the votes.

Men and women are equally talented and intelligent—and there the equality ceases.

I shot an arrow into the air and I sure as hell hope it didn’t kill anybody.

I am happiest when I know some people are sad because there seems to be a limited amount of happiness.

The best Republican President acted like he was a Democrat.

The best Democrat President was probably a secret Republican.

People don’t seem to be able to just enjoy sex without thinking they are the best at it.

The more we envy others, the less the chance of ever possessing what they have.

Religion is about as close to God as politics is to freedom.

You can always tell when a nation is failing—it attacks its poets.

I blame myself for trusting you to have the intelligence to make the decision that has now ruined us both.

These are some examples of cryptic statements.

Such talk is fun.

Such talk is clever.

Such talk can start wars.

 

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

https://jonathanrichardcring.substack.com/

Crypt

Crypt: (n) a subterranean vault used as a burial place or a location for secret meetings

“You are dead to me,” said the coroner to his rebellious son.

Or how about this?

“Let’s hang out and share some gallows humor.”

Or:

“She is not dead; she is asleep.” (That one’s from the Bible.)

Jokes about death are probably some of the more difficult ones to pull off.

I preface this essay with that thought because some of you may not think my little story is very funny.

I do not remember which one of my sons possessed this apprehension. (Actually, I probably do remember but just don’t want to humiliate him.)

HBO used to have a show called Crypt Keeper. It was hosted by this raspy-voiced creature resembling E. T., if E. T. had just survived an opiate overdose and was craving a fix.

I didn’t find the creature to be particularly scary, nor did my other older children. But this one son could neither see Crypt Keeper or even hear him, without going nearly berserk with anxiety—wanting to run out of the room, screaming.

Now, if I were a good Dad I would have been sensitive to the situation, making sure that my sons never had the show on or even kept the volume up during commercials.

But I was much younger and had not yet learned the parameters of good fatherhood.

So, God forgive me, and any angels who are interested, I found it completely hilarious when my young boy exploded like a firecracker and ran around the room trying to escape Crypt Keeper, breathing heavy, with his eyes bulging.

There may be much legend about this situation I’m about to share, so you must be careful who you listen to.

For instance, don’t believe any of my family members.

They will exaggerate the number of times I tormented my son with Crypt Keeper.

On this occasion, I had him seated next to me on the couch, with the volume turned down on the TV. We were eating popcorn, singing some songs. I had prearranged for my older son, sitting next to the television set, to turn up the volume as soon as a commercial about Crypt Keeper came on.

Faithful he was. Suddenly the volume came blaring through the room, with the Crypt Keeper’s voice, and my little son was so frightened that he threw a whole bowl of popcorn in the air—and wet his pants.

From that point on, I stopped pursuing my little practical joke.

Because when he wet his pants he was sitting on my lap.

 

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

https://jonathanrichardcring.substack.com/

Cryogenics

Cryogenics: (n) the branch of physics that deals with very low temperatures

In any given winter in Central Ohio, I must have said it at least a hundred times:

“I’m gonna freeze my ass off.”

Why I thought it was significant to center in on my ass, or if my overall freezing would begin or end there, I do not know.

But with the arrival of cryogenics, you can now freeze your ass ON.

Yes, if you develop some sort of incurable disease or if you’re just sick of living in the twenty-first century, you can freeze your body—to later have it thawed out in such a time when the disease that inhabits you can be healed or the ugliness of age that is pursuing you can be receded.

In other words, you get younger.

I have to ask myself if this is something I would like to do.

Was I so impressed with my first go-around that I would like to go around later on with people, times and unknown quantities beyond my control?

Coming back from the dead in a much, much different generation is certainly waking up with no friends.

You might be a curiosity, but still, so old-fashioned and stuck in your time that the new-fangled world, which obviously must be accomplished, might be unsuitable for your occupation.

Even though no one likes it, death offers an obvious last chapter.

Otherwise, if you delay it, it’s like that annoying friend from your high school who started writing a novel twenty years ago and has not finished it yet, though every time you meet him he reminds you that he has a novel on ice, and that someday…ah, yes.

Someday…

 

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

https://jonathanrichardcring.substack.com/

Cry Over Spilled Milk

Cry over spilled milk: To dwell pointlessly on past misfortunes

There are two problems with old sayings.

  • First, they’re old.
  • Second, they’re sayings, not doings.

In other words, something can be spoken and make complete sense until it’s applied into everyday life.

I think such is the case with “don’t cry over spilled milk.”

Who?

What I mean is, who should not cry over spilled milk?

If you’re a baby and the milk has been spilled, you’re talking about your sustenance, your well-being and the looming possibility of starvation.

If you’re a young person who’s just learning to handle the milk carton, you realize there may be good reason to cry. Punishment is looming and the resulting lack of trust may throw you back months from being respected enough to handle containers.

If you’re a mother or father, you might cry over spilled milk because you spent your last dollar at the grocery store for that milk, and it might mean that by Friday somebody has to eat dry cereal.

And if you happen to be in the vicinity of where the milk is spilled and you’re a cow, you might be saddened that your gift has been so poorly used.

Spilled milk is not necessarily something to weep over, but I can see different individuals who might shed a tear.

Crying over difficulty is not a sign of weakness.

We don’t become weak until we abandon our strengths.

And strength in human beings is this:

We can weep during the night—and joy can still come in the morning.

 

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C