Monthly Archives: December 2019

Curable

Curable: (adj) capable of being cured

People are frightened of fear.

Fear can be terrifying—therefore, the desire to avoid it produces a great intimidation to be fearful.

Just this morning, a colleague was so intense on proving her innocence that she produced a fear of being intimidated into considering her weakness, which made it impossible for her to be curable.

Denial is the path to destruction.

Any successful curing begins with the realization that the disease is present, the weakness is at work, and the fault is in full bloom.

“Here is the treatment and here is the prognosis.”

Nothing is curable if it’s not treatable.

Nothing is treatable if it’s not acknowledged.

So if one decides to live a life free of the contemplation of error, there will never be a sensation of being cured—just a maintaining of the symptoms.

There is something beautiful about being curable.

There is something magical about being declared cured.

And there is something humbling about allowing the curing process to do its anointing all over our circumstances.

 

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cupid

Cupid: (n) the ancient Roman god of love represented as a winged, naked, infant boy with a bow and arrows.

Romance is idiotic.

This doesn’t mean it’s not amazing.

I’m not trying to tell you there isn’t great joy in the percolation of human sexuality.

Romance is idiotic because the justifications we generate to permit ourselves to “swoon in June by the light of the silvery moon” are downright hilariously ignorant.

I laugh whenever I hear two lovers explain that they can’t help themselves.

“The heart wants what the heart wants.”

I’m not so sure the heart has much to do with it.

But the lust wants what the lust wants.

That’s darned tootin’ true.

To further justify the erratic tendencies of romance, we have borrowed this character from mythology—Cupid.

He shoots arrows, you know.

They are arrows of love.

I think that is definitely an oxymoron.

Or it’s simply a misplacement of a vowel or a consonant, which should actually read:

“The eros of love.”

Eros is the Greek word for sexual intercourse.

So a man with a wife and three children will swear before the Supreme Court that Cupid shot him with an arrow, and that is why he ended up screwing his twenty-two-year-old secretary.

He will be very sincere.

He might even cry about the deep affection he has suddenly acquired.

But one of the greatest truths we can impart to ourselves as men is that having an erect penis is not permission to continue. And as women, getting wet may require going somewhere to dry out.

It is not an issue of decency.

It is an attempt to keep us from acting like rabbits living in a hole, constantly searching for a hole.

We may not like the responsibility of tempering our sexuality—becoming more adept at dodging Cupid’s arrows—but we owe it to ourselves to rationally and purposefully exchange seventy years of peace of mind for seven seconds of juicy pleasure.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cupcake

Cupcake: (n) a small cake, the size of an individual portion, baked in a cup-shaped mold.

I was well into my thirties before I started eating cupcakes.

I didn’t abstain from them totally before that time, but I was known to often pass them up, insisting that even though I am a large man, that I wasn’t a “big sweet eater.”

Every time I said that, people looked at me with a massive skepticism.

Maybe that’s one reason I never ate cupcakes. It may not be fair, but I don’t know if a fat person can sit around eating high-calorie delicacies, or if an Italian man can devour a pizza or a black man chew fried chicken and watermelon.

This may sound raciest, but actually it’s understanding the silent racism that exists in our country, which giggles to itself whenever a stereotype plays out before its eyes.

But for a season, I just didn’t like all the frosting.

Then I was invited to a wedding, and while sitting at a table watching people dance, I noticed that most of them had eaten the insides of their cake but left the frosting behind. So I asked somebody at a nearby table, “Does the frosting suck?”

He vigorously shook his head. “No. It’s just too good.”

I was lost on this concept.

So without being noticed, I reached over with my fork and ate a clump of the rejected frosting from someone’s plate. (It seemed okay to do since I was only going to do it once. Are you familiar with that rationale? Of course, you can only carry it so far. For instance, promising to commit adultery or killing someone is not forgiven because you only choose a single occasion.)

But meanwhile, back to the frosting.

It was buttercream.

I knew this because there was a note on the table, written in beautiful calligraphy, which read: “Butter pecan cake with buttercream frosting.”

It was delicious.

Just sweet enough. Not heavy. Not crusty—but as advertised, buttery and creamy.

As the celebrators continued to do their best imitation of dance, I sat there and ate all the leftover frosting from about seven plates.

I don’t know—maybe there’s an addictive force associated with frosting.

From that point on, I had absolutely no problem eating cupcakes.

I realize that such a statement might be regaled as growth and toleration—but actually, all I did was raise my calories, my blood sugar and my ever-growing need for things that are sugary-sweet.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cup of Tea, One’s

Cup of tea, one’s: (n) Something that is in accord with one’s liking or taste.

If I were flying through space—maybe even at light speed—on a craft from another world, with creatures from another dimension, who for some reason had abducted me to study (for inexplicable reasons) and we were about to land on Earth and my tutor from this alien world, who had gradually won my confidence, turned to me and tenderly said, “Since we only have a minute, tell me the most important thing to know in dealing with Earth and Earthlings,” I’m sure a million things would come to my mind—or maybe just a thousand in lieu of my limited capacity.

Things like:

“Don’t spit on the sidewalk when you’re meeting strangers.”

“Brush your teeth after eating garlic pizza.”

“Don’t stare directly into a woman’s bosom.”

Or:

“Avoid eating off of trucks near parks.”

But after a few seconds, I probably would land on the truth of truths—the statement I would need to tell my little friend (yes, that’s right, he’s only four foot four, but is quite muscular) so that he would be able to function and get by on our little establishment.

Here you go:

DON’T BE PICKY.

You will be tempted. You will want to crinkle your face, show disapproval, and there will be those who will even say, “If you don’t like it, let me know.”

They are lying.

Even though all human beings insist on being picky, we all certainly hate picky people.

It seems to be the standard we set for ourselves and others—allowing for taste and appreciation—but we tend to become snarly when someone opts to pass on something because it’s “not their cup of tea.”

When this happens, we swallow our discontent but walk away thinking:

“Hmmm. Like YOU drink tea.”

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cunning and Cunt

Cunning: (adj) skill employed in a shrewd or sly manner, as in deceiving; craftiness; guile

Cunt: (n) the female vagina

If you didn’t know for a fact that the dictionary was put together by Noah Webster, not Nora Webster, you can certainly figure it out by some of the subtle definitions that sneak in to establish manly superiority.

Right after we have the pleasure of defining “cunnilingus,” we are reminded that “cunning” is associated with the female of our species. I suppose we might call a military general or a male spy “cunning,” but normally, we attribute that crafty, nearly sinister plotting, to women.

And if that’s not enough, the dictionary then incudes the insulting, debasing and ignorant use of the word “cunt.”

There is little in our society that we are as openly hypocritical about than alleged equality between the sexes.

Even those who insist that women should receive equal pay for equal work are not certain that women can deliver the promise.

Complicating the matter is that women often fall back on cunning. So bad boys call them cunts.

Sooner or later, the genders will have to admit that the games that are played in attempting to gain control steal the possibility of an honest appraisal and appreciation for one another.

So rather than offering this criticism, let me instead make a suggestion to men:

Search out the chauvinism in your life instead of pretending it’s not there.

And when it rises to the top because it thinks it’s cream, call it out yourself. Astound the room with the revelation that you are prepared to change—even if you have to monitor your own conscience.

Likewise, if you are a female, you may want to be on guard about the scheming and deceiving that you privately laugh about with your friends, which makes it nearly impossible to take your cosmetic approach to life at face value.

I am so determined to avoid gender bashing that I am prepared to look and listen when people tell me that I’ve crossed a line.

Likewise I call up my sisters to cease ducking into the shadows when it seems more advantageous to appear weak.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cunnilingus

Cunnilingus: (n) the act of orally stimulating the female genitals

I never try to fix my light switch when there’s an electrician in the room.

I know this sounds like an obvious statement, but we know there are individuals who are so sure of their own ability that they would go ahead and fix the light switch with an electrician nearby.

Perhaps they would consider it initiative.

Maybe they would insist it was a showcase of their self-confidence.

But as for me, I think it’s arrogant, shortsighted, and can result in a light switch that does not work.

For thousands of years, we have viewed human sexuality through the peep hole of the male penis.

Movies, songs, books, conversation—all have insisted that if a woman can be dominated by an erection and adequately tosseled through intercourse, she will be delighted—and also submissive.

The fact that nothing could be further from the truth does not seem to hinder the proliferation of this idea. It has been my finding that the best person to talk to about human sexuality is a woman. Just as I would trust an electrician with my lighting concerns—because he knows the inner workings of the wiring much better than me—I likewise would listen to a lady explain how her wiring works.

If a woman is not sexually engaged and passionately involved, then sexual intercourse can quickly become boring, perfunctory, and appear to be a male-controlled activity, only bringing ultimate satisfaction to the man-person.

We live in a society that still giggles, sweats and becomes extraordinarily nervous when the word cunnilingus is said aloud.

Although a woman would probably tell you that stimulating her genitalia through making direct physical contact with the clitoris with fingers or tongues is an extremely strong provider of an orgasm, men still insist that they do it with their penis, which has proven to be a much clumsier and ineffective apparatus.

A side note:

I once sat in a workshop in which a young man was giving a report on speaking in tongues—and he unfortunately had confused the word cunnilingus with the word glossolalia. Half the audience was unaware, and the other half of us did not know whether to burst out laughing or sit very still—to protect the young man from the memory of a life-long trauma.

Yet, even when I’m involved in glossolalia, I always use cunnilingus if I want to satisfy my lover.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cumulative Effect

Cumulative effect: (n) the end result of repetitious actions

“Excuse me, young man! You need to love yourself.”

By the way, some people will not know how valuable you are, so you will need to learn how to shut them out of your life. “

“Don’t be critical of yourself. God doesn’t make junk.”

“There’s a wonderful plan for your life, so keep your heart open for its arrival.”

“The world is filled with nasty people. You must learn to identify them, or they will steal your inheritance. The reason they want to steal it is so they can make their portion larger.”

“So beware—people are wonderful until they’re not.”

“Don’t be so down on yourself. You don’t have to be great all the time. Cut yourself some slack. Everybody else does. It’s human.”

“If you find that the people you’re with cannot support you with unconditional love, then unconditionally get rid of them.”

“God wants you to know that He loves you just the way you are. You don’t have to change for anyone. Since you don’t have to change for anyone, you can reject those who think you are not sufficient just as you are.”

“These are your enemies. Even though we try to love our enemies, our enemies don’t go away because we love them. So watch out for yourself.”

“Be careful. Be wary.”

“Be prepared to defend yourself because you’re the only one who can do it.”

“And certainly—if you do not toot your own horn, it will never be tooted.”

“You must stand up for yourself or all the bullies will bring you down.

Bullies need a punch in the nose, or they keep sticking that nose into your business. Sometimes you gotta fight. Fight for yourself, and make sure you win. And when you win, communicate to those who might want to fight you that you’re determined to honor yourself and your own opinions.”

“Be strong and do not put up with anybody’s bullshit.”

This is a cumulative effect.

By the way, this is why we’ve learned to hate each other.

 

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cummerbund

Cummerbund: (n) a wide sash worn at the waist

Tears of anguish flow to my eyes frequently when I consider all the various ways that the makers of cloth and the producers of clothing have found to take their products and pinch me at the waist, constantly reminding me of how goddamn fat I am.

When the junior prom came around back in high school, I was intimidated by many the aspects rising up to demolish my already fragile ego.

First—it was terrifying to invite a girl to a dance, knowing that the possibility of “no” was likely and then having to calm my ego by believing that maybe she just didn’t like dancing.

Then there’s the planning, the procuring of funds for things like corsages. And finally, the rental of the tuxedo—which immediately became problematic (because I long ago ceased to be comfortable in a thirty-eight regular suit jacket).

The coat was a problem.

The pants, an even tighter twist.

The shirt pinched me at the top of my belly and refused to let go.

And then, the introduction of a cummerbund to go around my waist, to more or less act as a spotlight, informing people that my belly was due to arrive soon.

It left me completely befuddled and nervous beyond all reason.

I finally discovered how to place it around my waist and smoothed down. Then I went to the car, got in, and upon sitting, it sling-shot its way off of my tummy, striking the front windshield.

Realizing this was going to be a problem, I had my friend pull it really tight around my stomach—and then, instead of hooking it with the available brackets, I had him tie it in a knot.

It had no place to go.

Of course, all night long, it kept trying to slide up (several times coming very near my throat).

It was a mess.

Humiliating.

At no time did it ever look good—not even when the photographer tried to re-situate it for picture-time.

So my prom picture looks like I was dressed up in a tuxedo too small for me, held prisoner, and tied up with a cummerbund.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cumbersome

Cumbersome: (adj) troublesome.

It is the final piece of a nasty decision which begins with the belief that any time we are inconvenienced, the perpetrator has enacted a huge disservice to the universe.

It can be something simple.

For instance:

“I thought you were going to be here at three-thirty. It’s three-forty-five.”

Therein begins the tiny slit in the beach-ball of our contentment.

From that point on, we are looking for reinforcing examples of why such individuals have become cumbersome to our lives.

After a while, we can’t even stand their appearance.

We believe they are plotting against us with their hairstyle, the way they’re seated or their facial expressions.

On many occasions, we seek allies, who find this person of disdain to be equally menacing. Before too long there’s a full-fledged battle going on quietly—only partially hidden by good manners and hypocritical smirks.

I have no idea why human beings need to be in conflict with other souls of their kin just to enforce a sense of greater worth.

Being a human being, I should probably just ask myself. I think I shall.

Questioner: Excuse me, human being writing this article… Why do you become so perturbed with another person over tiny matters, and contend they are so cumbersome that it would perhaps be a good service if God eliminated them from the face of the Earth?

Me:  It’s none of your goddamn business. Stop being so annoying.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cumber

 

Cumber: (v) to hinder or hamper

Pellets of energy.

Think about it.

I know some folks believe that human beings are good, and others insist that we are naturally evil.

This has not been my finding. I would be hard pressed to describe the human race as good, and equally distraught to characterize them as only devious.

Actually, every single day, each one of us is bestowed pellets of energy. Energy doesn’t come with character specifications. It is neither hellish nor celestial.

It’s just energy.

And because it’s energy, it can be useful, and it can also be squandered.

Every morning when I rise, I yearn for my pellets of energy. I’m careful not to make too many promises, just in case I turn into an asshole between breakfast and lunch.

But I am fully aware that my value to other folks lies in realizing that if I don’t use my pellets of energy well, I’m just hanging around cumbering the Earth.

We don’t use the word “cumber” anymore.

It’s an Old English term, often associated with Biblical quotes.

But it fascinates me that we struggle for longevity without demanding that it be accompanied with purpose.

There has to be something more than gardening.

We can’t expect to sustain value merely from arriving on time to our doctor appointments.

And for the younger crowd, simply passing a test does not qualify anyone for superb consideration.

I don’t want to cumber the Earth. I don’t want my family to be ashamed of themselves because they wistfully wonder when I’m finally going to croak.

I want myself—and hopefully everyone else—to be fully aware of why I still hang around and notice the by-products of my hanging.

I do not want to cumber your life.

I do not want to cumber the Earth, filling it with carbon dioxide instead of sucking some of it back out.

I do not want my friends to feel responsibility to me today because of what I did yesterday.

I do not want to cumber the ground, the Earth, my surroundings, my loved ones or the cosmos.

I would like to take my pellets of energy and turn them into goodness instead of mediocrity or darkness.

What shall we do with these pellets of energy?

Get ready—it’s coming around again tomorrow.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C