Crave

 Crave: (v) to long for

I am very familiar with three great cravings.

They are not unique to me nor can they be labeled by the simple titles “good and evil.” But I know that all three of these have, do and funny wisdom on words that begin with a Cprobably will wiggle their way into my thinking and manifest themselves as desires.

The trouble is, each craving demands that I take on a certain responsibility. Or maybe “responsibility” is over-spoken. It’s actually more like a chore.

1. I crave orgasm.

It feels good. It’s a pleasant burst. There’s just enough unpredictable about it that each encounter possesses uniqueness. It is a few brief seconds when I no longer care that I am human, and I allow all the animal stoked deep inside me to roar.

With this craving comes a chore. It’s called sex. Although we insist that sex is pleasurable, it is actually the orgasm that brings the ecstasy, and to achieve that we go through the practice, interaction, danger and mediocrity of sexual relations with another person.

This certainly is why masturbation is so popular.

2. I crave companionship.

The chore that comes with this particular quest is people.

Yes, unless I plan on having just dogs, cats and miscellaneous domesticated animals surrounding me, unable to carry on conversations, I will have to learn, understand and tolerate the actions of other Homo Sapiens.

The payoff is great, but the process is—well, shall we say, unending.

3. I crave immortality.

The chore with this, if you will, is dealing with God.

There is no evidence that I possess any likelihood of longevity beyond a century without a belief in an eternal home.

God becomes problematic.

He is so loving that He includes fools, religionists, shysters and the most boring theologians ever conjured in a seminary.

In my craving for orgasm, companionship and immortality I must survive the chores of sex, people and God.

There are times when I wonder if it’s worth it.

There are occasions I wish to be free of the entanglements and the conditions brought on in satisfying my cravings.

But usually, a good nap, a meal or allowing my mind to be free of pressure makes me once again a willing participant in the pursuit of what I crave.


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Crash and Burn

Crash and burn: (v) to fail utterly

She insists.

Or maybe it’s him.

It’s difficult to tell in the midst of a mayday call, as affections, dreams and hopes careen toward the Earth with no seeming way to avoid the crash and the burn.

She thinks there is something she needs to salvage.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

She believes taking that tiny piece of nothing and waving it in the air like a flag makes her an independent nation. But she isn’t an independent nation.

Or is it him?

He or she signed on to be part of a common effort.

But because the altimeters are sending off confusing readings, the engines are sputtering and the voyage begun so many years ago is now in peril.

She decides in those final moments to protect her pride and declare her innocence in the whole affair.

They crash.

Was it he or was it she? But worst of all, it’s them.

And there is that moment right after the crash before the fuel tanks are ruptured and it bursts into flames that they could escape.

But instead, they pridefully look at one another, standing their ground, and die in the flames of what was once a great affection–and now is just a foolish fire, burning off the refuse.

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Crass

Crass: (adj) without refinement, delicacy, or sensitivity; gross; obtuse; stupid

How does one write in such a way as to communicate that the thoughts being shared are in a whisper?

Great question, huh?funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Well, if you would imagine that I am whispering, I will tell you to calm your spirit and listen carefully.

There is one secret to life and one alone. It is the thing that prevents us from being crass.

After all, crass is when things go along real well until someone threatens our sacred cow, never actually having any intention of killing it.

And at this point, people argue. They challenge. They bicker. And more often than not, it ends in some uncomfortable stand-off, where the footing is slippery, and the grudges begin to ice up.

We are all crass until we learn one valuable idea:

Don’t be defensive.

If someone makes a statement in your direction that offends you, don’t immediately leap to share explanations of your motivations or calibrate the correct insult to fire back.

It is really what is meant by “turning the other cheek.” It is not allowing somebody to punch you and then giving them permission to beat the hell out of you. No, it is refusing to become defensive, and instead, measuring the moment to see if you want to put yourself in the middle of a lengthy discussion, or would rather just go home.

Candidly, wasting time is more aggravating than being insulted. Consider the source, consider your heart and soul, consider your time.

We become crass when we feel it is necessary to defend ourselves whenever anyone darkens our countenance with their disapproval.

But crass by its very nature always leads to an overblown objection that makes the other person defensive, and then two defensive people defend themselves until everybody’s offended.

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Crash

Crash: (n) noisily breaking into pieces

 Each and every one of us is the survivor of a crash.

Ironically, most of us don’t exactly remember the point of impact. It is not the horror of the event that strikes terror in us. It is the aftermath that haunts our souls.

The treatment.

The recovery.

The lingering, chronic pain.

The unanswered questions.

The insecurity that such a disappointment could happen again.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

We become protective. We look on ourselves as foolish because we were gliding along, believing everything was just fine, when we were speeding our way to a disaster.

So we slow down. Caution becomes our nature.

But worst of all, suspicion makes a home in our hearts. We are no longer free to love without having a questionnaire in our minds, needing to be filled out by those who would apply to be our friends.

We are damaged.

We’ve been given insurance—maybe even a measure of assurance. But the crash has left us leery, frightened to freely embrace, interact, experiment or give of ourselves quite as easily again.

So we not only miss opportunities, we turn our blessings—which have been with us for many years—yes, we turn them away at the door in anxiety that they might bring in dangers.

Once the crash has occurred, once the human being has been startled—whether emotional, spiritual, mental or physical—the rest of the journey is about regaining the childlike heart that allowed us to run breathlessly, without intimidation, before we were so rudely interrupted. 

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Crapshoot

Crapshoot: (inf) anything unpredictable or risky.

 Very few things.

It used to be that there were very few things we regarded as a “crapshoot.”

The statement was considered comical—referring to something that was obviously beyond our control—like whether it was going to rain or how many potato chips would actually be in our latest bag, since they had begun to steal them from us each and every time.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

“It’s a crapshoot.”

It was a cynical way of gently admitting that something was out of bounds and therefore wasn’t worth the amount of hair on a worry-nut.

Then something changed.

We found ourselves somewhat comforted by our depression, relieved of the responsibility of trying to solve difficult situations, and so, as time passed, more and more often events, relationships and circumstances were dubbed “crapshoots.”

Once we had stated that this is what they were, we could roll our eyes and walk away, pretending we were victims of circumstance, or swept away by trends and attitudes which had overwhelmed us.

Bullshit.

Below are five questions we should ask before we call something a crapshoot and walk away, giving up on it:

1. Is there anything I can do?

2. Is there anything I can get you to do?

3. Is there any obstacle I can throw in the way to impede the digression of a really bad idea?

4. Can I make fun of it until it goes away?

5. Can I go “over there somewhere” and start a countermovement to this foolishness?

If you ask all five of these questions and still end up helpless, then you may go ahead without condemnation, roll the dice and let the crapshoot begin.

 

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Crappie

Crappie: (n) a sunfish of central U.S. rivers

 I am not an expert at fishing.

I do not know what qualifies one for being considered an expert, but I think it has something to do with the size of your tackle box. I understand worms, minnows, bread dough and a few other simple forms of bait. Yet I know people who have huge containers, with all sorts of different spinners, bobs and plugs.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

I don’t know anything about those.

I was always the kind of person who went fishing because I was escaping from some task, some person or some event which was less than desirable. I discovered that once you established you were going fishing, then people usually left you alone to your hook, line and sinker.

But one of the things I did learn about fishing, since I was a Midwest boy, was that if you didn’t cast your line very deep into the pond or lake, a whole bunch of busy, hungry crappies would make their way to bite on your hook, and you would pull them in. They were about the size of the egg on a McMuffin. I realized I could have caught maybe a hundred of these little fellas—and one time I decided to bring back a batch.

When I presented them to my dad and older brothers and said I was going to clean them for dinner, they laughed at me. It was a mocking to scorn.

But once I got out in the garage and started working on them, I saw that when the crappies lost their fins, gills and scales, the crappies only produced enough meat to put on a Ritz cracker.

I cleaned twenty-five or thirty of them and didn’t get enough for me to eat.

So I guess the lesson of my story—if there is one—would be that if you like to catch fish, the crappie is your good friend. Not only are they willing, but downright sacrificial to the cause.

But if you want to eat fish, cast your line a whole lot deeper—or just go to Captain D’s.


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Crapper

Crapper: (vulgar) a toilet or bathroom

Every once in a while, I get in one of those misty-eyed moods, when I consider how pissy and shitty the planet will be once I zoom away.

It is totally self-indulgent, foolish and tends to ignore the nature of others, who press on after grief has had its season. But during one of those self-piteous sessions, I occasionally consider my legacy.

How will I be remembered? funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Or will all the collections of my works, writings, music and movies be loaded into a box and placed in a corner to either waste away or later be discovered by one of my great-great-great-somebodies, who is really shocked to find out, first of all, that I lived, and second, that I “made stuff?”

Usually I am able to set myself back into a psychologically reasonable nature by pondering the life, times and memories of Thomas Crapper.

Yes. He lived and was real.

He was an English plumber who founded the Thomas Crapper Company in London, held nine patents and (hold for applause) perfected the floating ball-cock on the toilet.

He also is the inventor of the plumbing trap—and contrary to Webster’s definition, we often refer to the porcelain seat-of-honor in our lavatory as “the crapper”—not to be vulgar, but in honor of Old Tom-boy.

I cannot tell you that I want to be known for something so utilitarian, and also an invention that is capable of receiving such ridicule.

But you have to admit, it beats going through your life without having your ball-cock float.


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Crap

Crap: (n) excrement, or used to reference refuse, rubbish, or junk

 I already spent the money.

I know that’s not smart.

But when you’re poor, you have to make arrangements—then hope those plans don’t fall apart.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

I had a gig. It was a big gig. At least for me. There was going to be some decent money involved.

I will tell you of a certainty, the only way to ever become an artist is to insist on using your art until it pays for you.

In the meantime, your creditors, your landlord and anyone you find yourself indebted to may question the intelligence of your persistence, and sometimes even dishonor the quality of your talent.

But I felt confident—confident enough to pay my bills before I got the check.

It was a two-day gig, and a conference, where I might be able to make further contacts for other engagements in the future.

On the first night, everything went along just swimmingly. The audience was laughing, clapping, appreciating both song and speech. I was feeling so good that I made a joke. I can’t remember all the details of the setup, but the punchline was, “Get this crap outta here!”

Everyone laughed. I thought I was on safe turf.

But later that night I received a call at my motel, telling me I was being canceled because the audience had children in it, and I had offended everyone by saying “crap.” I was contrite—I disavowed the deeds of my tongue—but it didn’t make any difference.

Move ahead in time.

I don’t know exactly when things changed. I suppose there are some people who still find the word “crap” inappropriate, but it would not be unusual to hear it spoken in the church foyer, and even possibly the pulpit.

Now we are fussing about the word “shit.”

It’s amazing how we can come to agreement on what crap and shit are, while being totally self-righteous on declaring it crap or shit.

I have a meter I run in my mind. It’s very simple.

For instance:

If the Ten Commandments are how God will judge me…

Or:

If you have to be skinny and a perfect weight…

One of the possibilities I consider is:

If you’re not supposed to use any colloquial or profane language…

Crap.

I’m in a shitload of trouble.

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Cranny

Cranny: (n) small, narrow opening in a wall, rock, etc.; a chink

 Some people just get better advertising.

This is also true for words.

And on that occasion when we create a phrase, one of the elements of that thought often gets more attention than the other.

Never was this more evident than in the case of “nook and cranny.”funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Can you explain to me why “cranny,” which got second billing, is also totally ignored and misunderstood?

We know what a nook is. Matter of fact, we’ve even created one for breakfast.

But do we have a cranny in our home that stands by itself—without the aid of its overbearing nook?

Matter of fact, when the word was brought up to me today I nearly passed over it, thinking it to be so obscure that it was unworthy of my comment—and that it might cause the reader to bustle away, perplexed,  wondering why anyone would tarry to give a passing insight on such a loser.

But would there be “nook” without “cranny?”

Would “nook” have ever gained any attention if it had not hooked up with its traveling partner?

Would people have adopted the phrase, “I searched every nook of the house…” if they also didn’t pursue the “cranny?”

As is often the case in the human journey, it is one that carries the weight, and another which takes the bows.

 

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Cranky

Cranky: (adj) ill-tempered; grouchy; cross 

A Conversation

She: I was wondering if you were ready to write the blogs.

Me: Wouldn’t I tell you if I was ready?

She: Yes, but I just thought I would ask so I could get…well, get my things together.

Me: Yes. There you go. Why don’t you get your things together?

She: You don’t need to be cranky.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Me: I’m not cranky.

She: What would you call it?

Me: How about, “Not in the mood for any nonsense?”

She: Isn’t that a definition for cranky?

Me: No, cranky is when you’re just feeling sullen or put out and decide to dump your attitude on everybody around you.

She:  So, me asking you if you’re ready to type your blogs and you barking back at me is not dumping?

Me: No. It’s a warning.

She: What are you warning me about?

Me: I’m warning you that I’m not in the mood for nonsense.

She: So nonsense is asking you if you’re ready to type the blogs in a nice voice because I want to get ready to do so?

Me: Now you’re making me cranky.

She: Why is that?

Me: You’re taking my normal reaction and blowing it out of proportion because you are in the mood to be easily offended. There you go. Another definition for cranky. “In a mood to be easily offended.”

She: So what you’re saying is that because I asked you a question and you responded coldly, that I apparently arrived in a mood to be affronted by anything that was going to be spoken my way.

Me: Now you’ve got it.

She: Thank you for clearing up cranky for me.


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