Tag Archives: calories

Bread

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Bread: (n) food made of flour, water, and yeast, mixed together and baked.

“Man shall not live by bread alone.”

No kidding.Dictionary B

The carbs will kill ya’.

Bread is part of the great American hypocrisy.

  • It is high in calories.
  • It is loaded with overwrought carbohydrates
  • And it is extremely tasty–especially when it’s soft and covered with buttery jellied substances, which are also silent killers.

So even though man cannot live by bread alone, it’s ridiculous to think that man can live without bread.

Would America survive without a sandwich?

Who would be prepared to have their Big Mac wrapped in organic lettuce leaves?

So we try to cut calories by slicing the bread thinner–and to some degree this works, because the concept of lean bread is better than the meanness of no bread.

But sooner or later we must come up with an answer that is functional to human beings, just as we are. Maybe we would like everyone to be slender and heathy, having just finished a great cardio, devouring a salad with low-fat dressing. But isn’t it time to realize that this will just never happen?

So instead, let’s kick out all those trainers and dietitians–and hire a bunch of researchers to come up with a bread … that won’t leave us dead.

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Biscuit

Biscuit: (n) a small, typically round cake of bread leavened with yeast

There is a certain comfort in self-deception.Dictionary B

Even though lying to oneself seems to be an egregious error, at certain moments in the journey, it can be as comforting as a swallow of chipped ice on a hot day.

For years and years, I insisted that I did not like biscuits. Matter of fact, I was even guilty of planting the notion that bread was distasteful to my “buds.”

But anyone who followed me around or who was acquainted with my eating habits, would find that I was either the biggest, fattest liar who ever lived, or the weakest, dumbest avoider of temptation.

Especially if someone brought biscuits to the table accompanied by sausage gravy, I would “break down” and have one–which soon was edited, in my mind, to be “one plateful.”

Biscuits are good when they’re hot, very similar to coffee…and women.

When they sit too long, they congeal or get hardened (once again, paralleling the afore-mentioned).

  • I know they are high in calories.
  • I know they’re filled with carbs.

But when they arrive at the table hot, it is very difficult to resist them (once again, quite apropos to coffee and women).

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Beneficial

Beneficial: (adj) favorable or advantageous; resulting in good.

Dictionary B

  • There is what I want.
  • Then there is what I need.
  • Finally, there is what I lack.

These three do not intersect at any point.

For instance, as a chubby tubby, I want ring bologna that has no calories.

On the other hand, I need a balanced diet with an occasional piece of ring bologna thrown in–with calories, but forgivable.

Yet I lack the will and discipline to achieve the balance.

The true journey to wisdom is understanding that these three parts of us can only be fulfilled by tapping into the beneficial portions available.

I can establish what I want.

I need honest friends to help me discover my direction.

And I do require prayer, repentance and sometimes a bit of consternation … to be convinced of my lack.

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Bedevil

Bedevil: (v) to cause great and continual troubleDictionary B

Word has it that you are not allowed to pick and choose.

That’s too bad.

Because I will tell you, I would certainly love to have entertainment without sensationalism.

How about voting without politics?

I definitely would enjoy faith without religion.

Food without calories.

Marriage without gender bias.

And conversations without one-upmanship.

This especially becomes troubling to me when I consider that which bedevils us the most…that being the devil himself.

I am told that you cannot believe in God without acknowledging a counterpart–a Dark Lord named Satan.

Sometimes it almost makes atheism look appealing–not so much that I want to get rid of God, but just to eliminate the instinct to be preoccupied with his nemesis, Beelzebub.

To me, Satan has become the “Great Hall Closet,” where everything we don’t want to deal with gets thrown, hoping that by springtime our inclinations will improve.

Unfortunately for God, He receives surface praise for goodness and full responsibility for tornadoes.

Satan, on the other hand, seems to have greater power by manipulating evil empires and causing your boss to fire you, even though it might have just been a by-product of your lazy efforts.

I guess the worst thing of all is the darkness that bedevils us with fear and keeps us from our better angels.

So I don’t have an answer to this quandary, but instead, an abiding apathy.

In other words, I am one of those ridiculous realists who chooses to commune with God while ignoring the troublesome neighbor … with the pitchfork and horns.

 

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Balsamic Vinegar

Balsamic vinegar: (n) dark, sweet Italian vinegar that has been matured in wooden barrels.Dictionary B

I guess it was around age 35 when I stopped trying to be enticed and instead, allowed myself to be convinced.

Up to that point, everything needed to have a sensuality, an obvious value or a pleasure related to it in order to grab my interest.

To put it bluntly, a stick had to come along a poke my lust–whether a lust for food, romance, power or even work–to get me revved up and ready to go.

Yes, I needed to be enticed.

So in that time–those “salad days”–when I ordered a salad, I always got a mix of Thousand Island and Blue Cheese dressing. Why?

  • Because I loved the taste.
  • I loved the rich, thick texture.
  • And I think, secretly, I was enthralled by the number of calories.

But then when I reached 35, I started thinking about my mortality. Death is highly unlikely when you’re a kid. But death lurks in your late thirties, and even though it’s not prominent, it is still evident.

It was at that point that I realized my choice of salad dressings was contrary to my good health. So I investigated other choices.

The one suggested to me more often than any other was balsamic vinegar. “Low in calories, good for your tummy and a promoter of excellent digestion.”

When I tasted it, I wanted to run out of the room. It was not creamy. It was not delicious. It was intrusive. Yes, that’s the word.

But since I was trying to move out of a climate of enticement, I allowed myself to be convinced that this dressing was to my betterment.

To this day, when I go to a restaurant and they don’t have lower calorie options, I will order it–not because it’s enticing, but because I finally am convinced.

 

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Angel food cake

dictionary with letter A

Angel food cake: (n.) a light, pale sponge cake made of flour, egg whites and no fat, typically baked in a ring shape and covered with soft icing.

Even though many people are possessed with the notion of eternal life, streets of gold, heavenly reward, bliss and mansions, I have a simple and short wish list for any afterlife that may or may not exist.

No calories.

That’s it.

When I finally finish this journey, I will have spent my entire life in the pursuit of weight loss, which at times teases me with a semblance of progress, only to later taunt me by having the lost pounds reappear as if I had deposited them into an account instead of squandering them in Vegas.

I am not angry, frustrated or giving up on the idea of trying to be trimmer and slimmer. But after many decades of maintaining a similar weight and actively pursuing different approaches to my eating habits, I gradually realize that if life was a poker game, I am sitting at the table with a pair of eights. (In other words, just enough to keep you thinking you should continue to play, but very little prospect of winning the hand unless you can bluff your opponent.)

This is my problem with angel food cake.

It is a lower calorie choice to devil’s food cake, but not absent caloric intake and so light that you feel you can have a second or third piece, which then brings it to equivalency with the satanic version.

It’s so cruel.

It’s like all diet foods. They are lower in calories, but the body immediately knows that the density and depth of quality is absent, so therefore requires more, making things equally as tubafying.

Angel food cake is delicious, but as you can see from the definition, the baker feels the need to add icing. Most people want a bit of strawberries or whipped cream, and then, because it’s a more prudent choice, additional slices are required, are they not?

I do not know what the secret is to weight loss. Anyone who tells me they do I know to be either a fool or a charlatan.

But I do know this–simply calling something angelic does not mean it came from heaven. 

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Absorb

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Absorb: (v.) 1. take in or soak up energy or a liquid or other substance by chemical or physical action, typically gradually 2. engross the attention of someone: the work absorbed him.

You do realize–there is no prize given to those like myself, who are very successful at absorbing calories. It is a prejudicial situation.

If I absorb knowledge, I am praised. If I absorb iniquity, I am rebuked. If I absorb water, I am bloated. If I absorb the right amount of fluid, I am hydrated.

How do we know exactly how much to absorb before we are saturated, which brings us right back to saturated fats, which, by the way, we are not supposed to absorb.

When we are little tykes we are forbidden from watching certain television shows because we will absorb them into our minds, which are compared to sponges. Why would we think little ones contain spungier brains than older folks? Especially since those with greater years seem to do more damage than the playground crowd?

So what should I absorb?

I read a book once which said that things which are good, pure, praiseworthy–that these are things to absorb and think on. But if you spend your entire life trying to be a “do-gooder,” there are those around you who will find that obnoxious, pious or even boring.

So how much of “bad” can I absorb for the purpose of entertainment or acceptance in my society, before I begin to sprout some of the darkness myself? Because after a while, when you absorb something, it leaks out somewhere,  right?

You do get around people who insist they can tolerate much more absorption. Like a high toleration for pain, for instance.  I have to admit, though, that I find ita bit useless to be proud of achieving high standards of long-suffering.

What should we absorb without becoming contrary to those who walk around us, who for one reason or another, need to put up with our attitudes and lifestyles?

  • How much of social change can we absorb before we totally sacrifice everything we truly believe to be of pristine value?
  • What can we absorb of spirituality without flirting with the tendency to be religious?
  • How much language from the common culture can we absorb before we are judged by our words–prior to ever having the chance to establish our talents?

Absorbing is tricky business. It’s why I would not like to come back to earth as a sponge. Even though I don’t particularly hold to any ideas of reincarnation, returning to the planet as a sponge would put me at the bidding of people who want to clean up messes–and because I’m an absorber, I can’t exactly complain about what fills me up.

I guess I’d like to maintain the right to be a little fussy about what I absorb. I don’t want to be behind the times, but I don’t want the times to get behind me and shove me into decisions that truly are not of my making. Does that make sense?

It’s not that I want to drag my feet–it’s just that I would like a little time to put on my own shoes … if we’re going to walk a new path.

Abolish

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Abolish:   v. to formally put an end to a system, practice or institution

That’s a strong word. Matter of fact, as I sat down and thought about it, the only “abolish” I ever heard of was slavery.

  • I personally would like to abolish fat grams.
  • I would like to abolish calories.
  • I would like to abolish ignorance that tries to pass itself off as comedy.
  • I would like to abolish about seventy-eight pounds off my body.
  • I would like to abolish some of the decisions made by my children in the name of free choice.
  • I would like to abolish some of the choices made by me when I was childish, in the pursuit of some hippie philosophy.
  • I would like to abolish the parliamentary procedure which seeps into our grown-up world and makes us feel like we’re really adult but ends up just halting progress.
  • I would like to abolish political parties so that individual candidates could run, and since we didn’t already know the talking points, we would have to listen to what they had to say.

But none of those are as strong as abolishing slavery was.

How about this one?

I would like to abolish all the foolhardy people who are talking about legalizing mind-altering drugs simply based on economic convenience, with no aforethought about what might cause some young person to become involved with these deadly chemicals, lending themselves to other even more deadly chemicals.

I guess there are a lot of things I’d like to abolish. But the problem with “abolish” is that you find out that merely stating your case is not enough, and as in the American Civil War, you end up squaring off and fighting to the death over the issue.

I’m not sure what I’m willing to die for. Certainly not abolishing fat grams (although the little boogers probably have a plan for MY demise).

Abolish is a strong word. I guess instead of abolish, I would just like to hear some intelligent dialogue on many of the issues of our day instead of hearing pundits portray their platform as they pontificate their principle.

Yes, I would like to hear an intelligent conversation about abortion, capital punishment, civil rights, global warming and nuclear proliferation, without being handed a pamphlet listing the ten reasons why the other side is anti-American.

It was a good thing to abolish slavery.

Who knows? Maybe it would be a good thing to abolish calories. But if you stand up to abolish something, you’d better be ready to fight.

That’s scary crap.

Abeyance

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Abeyance: n.  a state of temporary disuse or suspension.

I’m not positive. Oh, I have inklings.

I certainly am aware of little monsters that try to come into my life and leave their footprints all over my freshly cemented ideas. But I’m not really quite sure how to bring all of these munchkins under abeyance.

I don’t know about you, but I always start out really well. Matter of fact, I cruise brilliantly in the middle of the road. But somewhere along the line, I despair over well-doing. It’s not because I don’t have evidence that such actions are beneficial to me. It’s more that the celebration of my victories begin to mingle with the temperament of my bad habits and create a climate of self-righteousness, causing me to temporarily believe that I have arrived at my destination, when actually I am five hundred miles from home.

Yes, there are tiny, little cracks in my armor that welcome the arrows of failure.

Recently, I’ve been trying to lose weight. First of all, I’m not quite sure it’s possible. My body has never been completely amicable to the idea of dropping what it views as my “support system.”

I persevere–but I do see these tiny little inclinations, which I would like to catch early, showing that I am weakening to the severity of discipline and gradually nurturing the need for self-hugging.

Last night it was eating a mozzarella cheese stick–about fifty calories. Sometimes it’s an extra handful of walnuts–about eighty calories. As you can see, neither one in itself amounts to a hill of beans (about 3000 calories).

But the problem is, without me pursuing abeyance in this matter, somehow or another I get from the cheese stick to belching on top of that hill of beans without ever exactly knowing what calorie increases I have consumed in between. It would be freaky if it weren’t so predictable.

So how can I bring this particular appetite in my life under abeyance? I know this–the enemy of any change is to remain silent.

So thanks for the talk.