Cross-Legged

Cross-legged: (adj) having the legs crossed

The greatest gift that Mother Nature and Father God can impart to you is a weakness.

Without a weakness, you begin to believe you’re self-sufficient and don’t need help from any outside source. On top of that, you might just create deceitful interpretations of the truth when its proven that you are not “all that and a bag of chips.”

A weakness gives you the ability to know where to start working every single morning.

A weakness warns you that too much confidence is blustering wind with no lightning or rain.

A weakness makes you more compassionate to other people who happen to share a “soft spot” in their abilities—just like you.

A weakness is what makes you strong.

I do not know whether I was born fat, possess a fat gene—or if I’m just caught in the middle of some metabolic paradox.

But my obesity has created a weakness in my life.

Some people may consider it a weakness of my own making, or perhaps one created by my parents “making out.”

It doesn’t make any difference. I’ve had to base my journey on working around my girth—beginning at my birth.

Therefore, I can tell when one ounce leaves and seven pounds arrive to comfort my body over the loss.

I know when I’m on a good spin and when my health is being spun.

I don’t need a mirror to observe the “battle of the bulge.”

For you see, one of the ways I have always been able to tell whether I am beginning to move toward a more normal weight or traveling into the morbid regions of obesity is:

The simple action of crossing my legs.

Now, at this point every fat person in America reading this will howl with laughter, and every skinny-ass individual will turn and look quizzically at another scrawny person as if to say, “What does he mean?”

For when you’re fat, your thighs have grown a fondness for each other and are accustomed to being close. If you think about it, crossing your legs demands that these thighs develop autonomy. Also, your joints—which are essential for convincing one leg to go above the other—are sometimes jammed up with fat globules, which makes the process of crossing one’s legs quite athletic, if not painful.

Therefore, during times of weight loss, I have celebrated my victory with a leg-crossing—occasionally only able to maneuver the “wish bone variety,” where the right foot rests upon the left knee. But a few times, I was actually able to have the legs completely crossed—where the right knee appeared to be humping the left one.

When this has happened I have actually teared up—mostly because it was such a blessing to do such a simple thing.

But partially because being foreign to me, it was as uncomfortable as hell.

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Contrivance

Contrivance: (n) a plan or scheme; expedient

 It happens every day.

I have an idea how things should work, how they should unfold, and the results do not conform to my plan.

My instinct? Ignore the information that’s been provided, push past the obvious defeat and persevere with my thinking, adding some last-minute changes, funny wisdom on words that begin with a Cwhile insisting that no evolution is necessary.

I am determined to be right, even when I’m wrong.

Therefore, I’m often wrong, even when I’m right.

I possess the ability to learn but I suppress it because I’m afraid that being a learner will make me appear to be a student instead of a teacher.

Presently, I’m a master of contrivance, attempting to learn to be a master of service.

Life on Earth is not really difficult—you try something and it either works or it doesn’t. Pain only arrives if you insist on continuing to do what doesn’t work instead of changing in the direction where Mother Nature, Father God and fellow humans are headed.

Our religion is a contrivance because it withholds mercy, clinging to the law.

Our government is a contrivance because it is in need of refreshing.

Our relationships with our fellow human beings are a contrivance because we insist on how different we are instead of acknowledging that we are one people.

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Contribute

Contribute: (v) to give for a charitable purpose

What do I have to contribute?

Usually when this question is posed, it is anticipated that I will pull out my wallet, my checkbook or present my debit card. We are funny wisdom on words that begin with a Cthoroughly convinced that the mechanisms are in place for the success of many a venture. The only lacking seems to be a deficit in financing.

We aren’t looking for anyone to contribute a historical perspective on the proposal.

We certainly aren’t requesting travelers to contribute anecdotal examples of their personal experience in relation to the project.

And more often than not, we are unwilling to ask for the contribution of Mother Nature or Father God to enlighten us.

No, we’re all pretty well convinced that humanity is just dollars away from sense.

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Contemplative

Contemplative: (adj) expressing or involving prolonged thought

It is normally considered hazardous to tread on thin ice–due to the fact that the ice will break and you’ll find yourself plunging into frigid waters.

But what if the ice is not supposed to be there? What if it needs to be melted–done away with because a new spring has sprung and it’s timefunny wisdom on words that begin with a C to be finished with chilly weather?

This is how we came up with the term “break the ice.”

So let me step in today and break the thin ice:

Meditation is one of the most dangerous, foolish and unproductive practices that has ever been devised in an attempt to turn people into better souls.

Being contemplative is simply you, walking the aisles of your limited shopping arena in your own brain, and supposedly arrive on ingenious ideas on improving inventory.

But consider–it is your own brain. It’s not being inputted by others. It’s not sapping off of divine grace. Nor is it necessarily even willing to adjudicate the evidence available.

It’s just you–wearing a simple, subtle hat–pretending to be god.

Contemplative people often spend their time trying to soothe themselves in a harried world instead of finding ways to “be of good cheer” on a planet filled with tribulation.

When we get done running from reality and we escape the self-righteousness of thinking that seven minutes with our own brain is a vacation, we might actually be able to use the ears we have to hear what humanity, Mother Earth and even Father God is trying to tell us, instead of merely coughing up mental hairballs of confusion.

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Consensus

Consensus: (n) general agreement

Consensus is a general agreement to handle major issues in a way that causes us to become captains of our fate.

It is escaping private opinions.

To say we are desperately in need of consensus on many of the issues of Earth-life might be the greatest understatement ever spoken–next to “Do you think thatfunny wisdom on words that begin with a C
iceberg is going to give the Titanic any problems?”

There are six categories, and I am going to venture, nobly but humbly, to give my consensus on six of these common Earth circumstances:

  1. Earth

The Earth is not yours, it is not mine. It runs on a system. It rewards those who diligently learn the technique and the nurturing of Mother.

  1. God

No one knows. Stop pretending you do. Certainly stop pretending you don’t. God is an unknown quantity which will end up being of great benefit to us if we want to continue the energy of our existence after death–and always points us to the beauty of His Earth and how it works if we’ll respect Father’s opinion about Mother.

  1. People

They are neither a hazard nor a blessing, but rather, a necessity. You will be completely incapable of getting your Big Mac at three o’clock in the morning if there are no people. Our best consensus on dealing with people is to cease looking at them by color, religion, culture or sexual orientation and begin to embrace them as the cousins they are.

  1. Work

Human beings are at their most harmonious when they put labor and effort of twenty-five hours into each week. That’s five hours–Monday through Friday. If we became accustomed to that work schedule we would not only be happier, but also most efficient.

  1. Love

Love is neither an emotion nor is it a sentiment. It is the atmosphere that fosters the cooperation necessary for work, people, God and the Earth to hum. It is a committed affection.

And finally:

  1. Romance

Although there are many barriers that come to play with venereal diseases and unwanted pregnancies, those who attempt to deter romance, boxing it up into neat little units of propriety, historically end up looking like supreme assholes.

A little romance does a lot of good. Often a lot of romance does very little good.

I present my consensus on these issues. Of course, yours is just as good as mine.

And where they overlap, may we join together in hilarious fellowship.

 

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Mr. Kringle's Tales...26 Stories 'Til Christmas

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Conduit

Conduit: (n) a channel for conveying

Some of the things I most desire in life do not appear unless there’s a conduit.

How about love? Love needs the conduit of listening.

Let’s take peace. Conduit? Tolerance.

Strength. Joy.

Talent. This one might surprise you–patience.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Romance. Conduit–humor.

Salvation–humility.

Success. A courtesy conduit–appreciation.

Power. This one will really shock you. Conduit–service.

Longevity. This one’s easy. Moderation.

Respect–thankfulness.

As you can see, there are the things we desire and the things that desire us. When we’re sensitive to what Father God and Mother Nature require of the human race, we suddenly find that all things are added to our storehouse.

 

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Mr. Kringle's Tales...26 Stories 'Til Christmas

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Common Sense

Common sense: (n) good sense and sound judgment in practical matters

Many years ago I wrote a book called “The Gospel According to Common Sense.”

I was very young.

I did a radio talk show, and the fellow asked me, “How would you define common sense?”

Now, one would think I would be prepared for that question, since I wrote a book with “common sense” in the title. But I think I was expecting “what is your favorite color?” much more than a legitimate question that had meaning.

But fortunately for me, I did not freak out.

I paused. Then I said, “To me, common sense is where Father God and Mother Nature sit down and agree.”

God might be a little idealistic, and the Natural Order does tend to be gruff and unforgiving.

But common sense is where mercy and Mother Earth embrace one another, and come up with ways to make things function–ways that don’t hurt anyone, have a bit of genius to them, and are so simple that everybody can do them.

We don’t talk much about common sense nowadays because we like to alienate ourselves off from others by proving our superiority–be it intellectually, spiritually or racially.

Common sense is looking for a logical solution that also happens to be common to us all.

If you’re determined to be better than the people around you, you might find common sense insulting.

If you’re depressed and think the whole world is out to get you, you might avoid common sense because it robs you of your vacation into self-pity.

There is no real power in life unless you can get God and Mother Nature to work together–His will being done on Earth as it is in heaven.

Yeah. There you’ve got it.

Common sense: heavenly answers that still work on Earth.

 

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