Tag Archives: weight loss

Cud

Cud: (n) the portion of food that a ruminant returns from the first stomach to the mouth to chew a second time.

I am susceptible.

I don’t like to admit it.

Often, it’s why I refuse to watch medical shows or even programs of itinerant travelers who share experiences of strange lands, animals and diseases.

I buy in too easily.

Such a thing happened to me short years ago. In my ongoing pursuit to remove the mythology of my obesity and supposedly create the human-flesh-muddle that I’m meant to be, I listened to a young, slender woman (my first mistake) expound upon the importance of chewing your food at least twenty times before swallowing.

She explained that this not only made digestion easier, but also that chewing at for such an extended period of time caused us to eat less, and therefore promoted weight loss.

In that moment–in my flurry of passion and with her apt representation– she was able to convince me to try. She closed off her discourse by highlighting that animals like the cow chew their cud over and over again until it is just a mushy mess of drippy liquid, which they then gulp.

Surviving her vivid description, I sat down to my dinner that night and decided to pursue my own cud chewing.

I quickly realized that my normal number of chews for consumption was four or five.

I was still comfortable with eight chews.

At twelve I had to take my mind to a faraway place to keep insanity from ensuing.

When I finally reached twenty and tried to swallow, nothing happened. (All the little gushy, mushy pieces had already snuck down my throat to the stomach to the awaiting stomach).

Yet faithful pilgrim that I am, I continued this practice for an entire meal.

It was exhausting—so tiring it was that at the end of the feast, I found myself needing energy—starved.

 

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

 

Counterterrorism

Counterterrorism: (n) terrorism in retaliation for some previous act of terrorism.

Some things sound good:

  • Recycling
  • Therapy
  • Teeth brushing
  • A diet
  • Losing weight
  • Gaining confidence
  • And … counterterrorism.

Yet before we launch into any one of these seemingly noble pursuits, maybe we should ask what the price tag is on achieving them.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

How much effort does it take to recycle, considering the benefit achieved?

How effective is therapy in light of the expense and length of time it takes to acquire some sense of balance?

How many times a day should teeth be brushed before it seems the only taste in the mouth is paste?

How many calories should each of us consume to maintain our health without increasing our waistline?

How much weight is it necessary for us to lose, when we know that losing weight can also be the first sign of severe illness?

When are we gaining confidence, and at what point does it become promo talk, which is not necessarily backed up by our actual abilities or actions?

And when is counterterrorism the needful action, and how many freedoms will have to be jettisoned from our lifestyle to assure us that we are safe from religious and political maniacs who have axes to grind which were forged back in the Middle Ages?

And for that matter, when is our counterterrorism considered by a citizen of another country to be terrorism, considering the pain it inflicts and the death toll it produces? I believe there are three steps necessary to counterterrorism:

  1. Put together the finest investigators, interrogators and infiltrators as possible
  2. Find terrorists and make sure they are determined to kill innocent people
  3. Quietly kill them first, without telling anybody else, and letting the world know about their cause.

Terrorists love to terrorize because it makes them feel powerful. If you remove the notoriety, and they feel insecure to go to bed at night for fear that their mattress might explode, you just might discourage the practice.


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Confirmation

Confirmation: (n) the action of confirming something

Knowing that you’ve been perplexed and even perturbed by the uncertainty in our world, I offer to you the following confirmations:

  1. No one is better than anyone else. (You knew that when you were a little kid, but the adult journey has attacked your faith in the concept.)
  2. Men and women are equal, unless they act like boys and girls
  3. Arguing about religion is comical, since no one really knows one way or the other
  4. Since banks are reluctant to take a two-party check, we might want to check over our two party system
  5. Waiting for the end of the world prevents you from beginning.
  6. Losing weight is not the issue–trying to lose weight makes you healthier.
  7. No race has the best athletes. A race is just that–a sprint.
  8. There is no real substitute for cheese. Save up your calories.
  9. Laughing makes you child-like. Pouting makes you childish.
  10. If life isn’t easy, then work harder to make it easy.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

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Cherub

Cherub: (n) a beautiful or innocent-looking child.

It takes a lot for me to become motivated to try to lose weight.

It’s similar to convincing an ant-eater that ant consumption is bad for its health. After all, you are named “ant-eater.” To suddenly stop eating ants not only removes your diet, but robs you of your identity.

I.e., if I am not a fat man, who am I?

If I’m not the guy talking about calories while lamenting my metabolism, how would I be able to find myself in a crowded mall?

My identity is wrapped up in my weaknesses just as much as my virtues. I don’t know why we take so much time to lie, cheat and cover up our frailties, when the
y are obviously going to pop up and announce their presence.

But every once in a while, I do become motivated to try to carve away some of the fat from my body. It usually takes a shock. One such occasion happened when a gentleman from a newspaper, reviewing my show and describing my face, wrote: “He is a chubby fellow with cherub-like features.”

I was appalled.

There is no man born on this Earth who wants to be a chubby cherub. Matter of fact, if you told a woman that her blind date was “chubby and cherub-like” she just might call in sick.

I became obsessed.

I went to my bathroom mirror and stood there for at least fifteen minutes, peering at my cheeks–my second chin which was thinking about adding on an addition–and eventually became convinced that I indeed was a cherub. Although that supposedly has angelic proportions, it also makes you look too child-like and too plump.

I immediately started a diet, which didn’t last long because I was motivated for all the wrong reasons.

So over the years I have tried to grow a beard, which was as successful as any other cherub, and I’ve sported a mustache–a goatee which I occasionally have to pencil in because it’s just not dark enough.

This whole story would be very pathetic except for the fact that deep in my heart, I really don’t care.

My confidence is not based on my appearance, but rather, the confidence my appearance may proffer to others.

 

 

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Celery

Celery: (n) a cultivated plant of the parsley family

An ounce of consecration yields a pound of cure.

As human beings we spend an awful lot of time complaining about how much effort it takes to get results. Nothing is further from the truth.

Every once in a while, I build up such consecration to lose weight. There are two actions that tell me I’m serious about the endeavor:

  • I start quoting the calories in the food set before me, and
  • I develop an almost mystical interest in celery

Yes, I literally hypnotize myself into believing it makes a great snack, and since it really has no calories, it is able to trick my body into thinking that we are dining without actually plumping.

I think my record is four days.

Yes–four glorious days when I consumed celery, acting as if it were potato chips. Then came Day 5.

It was a very simple fall from grace. It began with a statement: “You know what would be good with this celery?”

At first I showed great restraint. I merely dipped my green stalk into some low-calorie ranch dressing. But that was a little too watery and didn’t cling well. So I switched to regular ranch dressing, trying to be careful about how much I used.

After about two days, I grew tired of the taste of ranch and discovered that cheese whip was delicious on the celery. Now, I was cautious not to put too much of the goo into the provided groove. (After all, if the celery did not want me to have a condiment with it, why did it make that slot?)

By Day 10, I discovered that the most excellent filler was peanut butter.

Peanut butter and celery.

My God, I felt righteous! I had the “no calories” of celery mingled with the protein of peanut butter, which would certainly counteract all the fat included.

Imagine how discouraged I was, after a week, to realize that I had gained weight on celery and peanut butter.

Celery is a trickster. It offers great promise, but has no ability to fulfill unless it brings along its blubbery friends.

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Bulimia

j-r-practix-with-border-2

Bulimia: (n) an eating disorder

Bulimia just makes me sick to my stomach.

I’m sorry. I know it’s not funny. It’s a serious eating disorder.

But sometimes I wish they would take these serious things and not tempt meDictionary B with humorous images.

Are there positive things about bulimia?

  • You can find a second use for your toothbrush. (I know–once again inappropriate.)
  • It conjures a new definition for take-out food.
  • But mostly, it is a by-product of an obsession we have with being slim.

No one is going to tell you the truth about body weight. Why? Because in doing so, billions of dollars could be lost in commerce for remedies.

How much of your body weight and my body weight is conditioned, pre-determined and affected by genetics?

I saw a lady the other day in the store who was so thin that I was not sure there was a leg inside her skin-tight jeans. But then I saw her glance over at me, with my abundance of human flesh, and produce a sneer.

What have we done to ourselves?

Certainly obesity causes a myriad of health situations. But anorexia, bulimia and trying to live on less nutrition than necessary to sustain our vital organs is equally as dangerous.

I have found that solutions are achieved in a three-step process:

  1. Find the real truth
  2. Stop fighting the real truth
  3. Develop a plan based on the real truth

Until we do this on the subject of weight loss, we will have people literally tearing their insides out to be thin.

 

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Buffet

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Buffet: (n) a meal consisting of several dishes from which guests serve themselves.

When you take the time to sort out all the lies, half-truths, misinformation and even fake news, what remainsDictionary B is the truth. It’s a little dusty from being ignored, and even a bit stained from some stinky neighbors, but it’s still the truth.

Here’s one of them: fat people should not frequent “all you can eat” buffets.

Even though a majority of the population of China is slender, if you find yourself at a Chinese buffet, you will not see anyone who is not fat. You may say to yourself, “That’s an exaggeration.”

But just go–look around. And make sure there’s a mirror nearby.

Once Chinese food has been Americanized with sodium, sugar, flour and frying, it loses all its capability to make you a skinny-ass Chinaman.

You see what I mean?

Certainly there are individual dishes at Chinese buffets which are lower in calories than others, but usually they’re ignored, like your younger sister who has a little bit of a mustache.

From time to time, I go on stints of fevered and passionate weight loss. Certain foods need to be memories–hopefully not too fond, or I may return for a reunion.

But one place I definitely cannot frequent is a Chinese buffet, where I pretend to count calories in food that contains many secrets…hidden behind the Great Wall of recipes.

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Basis

Basis: (n) the underlying support or foundation for an idea, argument, or process.Dictionary B

Brains, bowels and kidneys.

Even though the idea of losing weight is valuable, the concept of becoming thin is unlikely. But the possibility of relieving pressure on your brain, bowels and kidneys is increased greatly by just changing a few foods in your diet.

And since that trio controls most of our disposition and sense of well-being, the basis for good eating is not just weight loss, but rather, feeling better.

Let’s try another one:

Hope, faith and love

Three elements that are very difficult to subtract from your life unless you want to be miserable. Yet they do not appear simply because you request them. To achieve them is to posses a belief that contends that good things can happen, and that the universe is not opposed to such delightful conclusions.

That’s why most people believe in God. God gives them the possibility of being happy here, and much happier later.

How about politics?

Truth, honor and prosperity.

These three confirm that what we’re doing is worthwhile. So if a political candidate tries to convince you that he or she is” not as bad as the other contestant,” he or she may become a city councilman, but never a senator.

A senator must tell the truth in an honorable way, proving that we all will grow in prosperity. This is the goal of the campaign. If not, the candidate will be defeated by his own defeatism.

What is the basis of your life?

  • It certainly is not to work, unless you’re going to play.
  • It certainly is not to pray if you’re not going to be happy.
  • And it certainly is not to love, unless you’re going to be loved.

Find the basis for what makes you work–and then rejoice over discovering the key to your happiness. 

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Appendix

dictionary with letter A

Ap·pen·dix (n.): a tube-shaped sac attached to and opening into the lower end of the large intestine in humans and some other mammals.

They tell me that no one knows exactly what the appendix does. That got me thinking.

What is the appendix of other things in life?

The appendix of politics is all the negative ads put on the air to try to prove the rottenness of the competition.

The appendix of entertainment is all the remakes which discuss the beauty of the cinematography instead of offering insight, gentleness and possibility to human beings.

The appendix of marriage is the belief that commitment is enough to sustain a relationship between two people without an ongoing lustful affection.

The appendix of weight loss is the notion that fat people want to be fat and therefore should be ridiculed and punished into submission.

The appendix of education lies in the contention that the more you spend for it, the smarter you become.

The appendix of shopping is very similar–the thought that name brands always have more quality than knock-offs.

The appendix of humanity is the belief that we’re “all different” instead of seeking our similarities.

The appendix of the relationship between men and women is the abiding presumption that they are so ill-suited that peaceful co-existence seems unlikely.

The appendix of self-esteem it that it can be achieved by bolstering ego instead of offering opportunity.

The appendix of lying is the misconception that we can actually pull it off.

And the appendix of religion is that it tries to please God by hurting people when God made it clear that loving people is the only way to please Him.

 

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Angel food cake

dictionary with letter A

Angel food cake: (n.) a light, pale sponge cake made of flour, egg whites and no fat, typically baked in a ring shape and covered with soft icing.

Even though many people are possessed with the notion of eternal life, streets of gold, heavenly reward, bliss and mansions, I have a simple and short wish list for any afterlife that may or may not exist.

No calories.

That’s it.

When I finally finish this journey, I will have spent my entire life in the pursuit of weight loss, which at times teases me with a semblance of progress, only to later taunt me by having the lost pounds reappear as if I had deposited them into an account instead of squandering them in Vegas.

I am not angry, frustrated or giving up on the idea of trying to be trimmer and slimmer. But after many decades of maintaining a similar weight and actively pursuing different approaches to my eating habits, I gradually realize that if life was a poker game, I am sitting at the table with a pair of eights. (In other words, just enough to keep you thinking you should continue to play, but very little prospect of winning the hand unless you can bluff your opponent.)

This is my problem with angel food cake.

It is a lower calorie choice to devil’s food cake, but not absent caloric intake and so light that you feel you can have a second or third piece, which then brings it to equivalency with the satanic version.

It’s so cruel.

It’s like all diet foods. They are lower in calories, but the body immediately knows that the density and depth of quality is absent, so therefore requires more, making things equally as tubafying.

Angel food cake is delicious, but as you can see from the definition, the baker feels the need to add icing. Most people want a bit of strawberries or whipped cream, and then, because it’s a more prudent choice, additional slices are required, are they not?

I do not know what the secret is to weight loss. Anyone who tells me they do I know to be either a fool or a charlatan.

But I do know this–simply calling something angelic does not mean it came from heaven. 

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